While true foodies know you look to Bravo’s Top Chef for high level cooking competition, this week marks the return of its over-the-top, loud, garish, freak-show of a half-sibling that, of course, gets five times the ratings – Fox’s Hell’s Kitchen. The Kitchen is a shepherd’s pie of all the elements that make "reality shows" anything but real. False drama, manipulative editing, and formulaic progression from commercial break to commercial break and from episode to episode. It’s all there and yet...I can’t stop watching. I’ve seen every episode of every season and none ever stay un-viewed on my DVR for very long. It’s the hypnotic and mindless absurdity of it all. You have a slew of aspiring chefs, most of whom shouldn’t be allowed near a microwave - much less a gas burner, an effete Belgian Maitre d’, and a head chef/star in Gordon Ramsay who curses like a longshoreman with Tourette’s. It’s gold, Jerry, GOLD, and typically goes a little something like this:
Jean-Philippe, every inch the suave Belgian, returns to the kitchen counter with a slice of lemon meringue pie a customer has rejected and presents it to Ramsay.
Jean-Philippe: Excuse me chef, but zee customer would like to return zees pie.
Ramsay: (bleep)! Why?
Jean-Philippe: She says zat eet eez too droopy.
Ramsay eyes the slice of pie and his face grows purple with rage
Ramsay: BERT!
Bert (an assistant funeral director from Kentucky who really wants to bring joy to the people through his southern home-style cooking) shuffles toward the front counter.
Bert: Yes, chef!
Ramsay: Did you make this (bleep)-ing pie?
Bert: Yes, chef!
Ramsay: You are a pile of (bleep)-ing human filth, Bert, do you know that? Look at that (bleep)-ing meringue! I said I wanted (bleep)-ing stiff peaks, (bleep) it, stiff (bleep)-ing peaks! These are as wobbly as Matt (bleep)-ing Damon’s logic and look like a (bleep)-ing dog’s dinner!
Bert: Yes, chef! I’m sorry chef, but–
Ramsay: Oh, now I get some (bleep)-ing attitude, yeah? Well, (bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep) – (bleep) – (bleep)(bleep)(bleep). GET OUT! SHUT IT DOWN!
Pure magic. Oh, and each season’s usually good for at least one person cutting off part of a finger.
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